You're A Gift

My therapist is still in Hawaii, but we talked on the phone yesterday. I worried she wouldn’t call at the specified time. I worried I’d be forgotten. Then I’d have the dilemma of what to do. Call her? Wait? Both terrible options. Both the result of being disregarded, ignored, neglected, overlooked – all the things I expected. So, at 1:55, I relived all the anguish I carry with me. At 2:02 T called.

T says things can be different. She keeps telling me that. I guess I keep expressing my fear and doubt. Part of me is perplexed that I have been in therapy so long without learning this. The other part is having a difficult time visualizing what “different” might really look like in my life. It’s hard to imagine, I think, because certain core beliefs about myself are so negative. Surely I am not worthy of a better experience. Beyond worthy, maybe it’s not even possible.

So we talked. Me protesting that my experience is proof that attachment figures are not reliable, that relationships end badly, that I am not worthy of love and affection. You are valuable, T says, a gift. Yes, I think. I’ve been told that before – but look what happened. Pain and suffering with no compensation. T tells me she is looking at the picture on her phone of Little Me. Have you ever asked yourself, T says, what that little blonde five year old did to deserve all this crap? I think of many answers, all based in my badness. One day, T says, you will be able to say – nothing. She did nothing to deserve it.

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I cried and cried.

And cried.

My heart hurt; my stomach, snarled.

I had no idea

it would be like this.

Not This.

Like a stone

skipping across water

touching so many places

- five, six, seven –

before disappearing

past where the eye can see.

My body feels

each contact.

My mind remembers

the associations.

My heart is squeezed

by the memories.

I had no idea.

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You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.  -Jim Rohn

You’re a gift –