Judgement Free Solitude

I’m still thinking about Robinson Crusoe. There is something fascinating about 1) being wholly self-reliant and 2) being completely alone – not just for weeks or months, but years.  It begs the question: what would I do? Another similar question that gets a lot of airplay when the lottery is insanely large is: what would I do with all that money? They are both ideas rich for the imagination and interestingly they are on extreme ends of at least one spectrum. What would you do if you had nothing… or everything? Which would you prefer?

The idea I’ve been pondering most concerns one’s mental state in such extreme solitude. Initially, I wondered how I could survive without having someone to talk with, and I imagined a sort of madness prevailing. Today, though, I am wondering what it would be like to be totally free of outside opinion and the complications of relationships.

At what point on that deserted island do I let go of what people (my rescuers) will think if they find me naked? How long will that be important to me? Until I give up hope of being rescued? Until I accept I am truly alone? Or will I immediately discard my clothes, beat my hands upon my chest and sing the I’m-so-glad-to-be-naked song?

Seriously, though. How much of our days are spent wondering about something that is totally out of our control? Will she call me? Why is she driving so slowly? Will they accept my proposal? Why is he always late?

And our concerns about opinions: Does she think I’m an idiot? Does she think I’m attractive? Is he mad at me? Will he like what I wrote? Does she care? Does he like the dinner I prepared? Will she laugh if I cry?

And our expectations: If she cares, she’ll call me. If he respects me, he’ll listen to my opinion. If she loves me, she’ll know I need a hug. If they value me, they’ll give me a promotion.

 Zip. Nada. It’s no longer relevant. The only one who matters is me. Yes, I can choose to absorb those roles, to be the doubting, self-critical “other.” But to what end? Did I like the meal I prepared, yes or no? If not, I will do it differently next time. Wondering, though, if HE liked it, I am prepared to judge myself as good enough or smart enough or talented or sophisticated and on and on. What if the only “other” in your life is you?  How will you think? What will you do? Will you be any different?

So here I am, on a deserted island, preparing yummy meals in the buff. I like it. I like it fine.

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes.  -Sally Field

I’m okay, you’re okay –