Sunday, January 12, 2014

Baby Steps for Inner Child

I never miss sessions, I told T. I always pay what I owe. In thirty years, I have only cancelled once. Why do you think that is, she asks. It is like blood, I respond. It is so important to me. I say this, fearful of how much truth it holds, of how high the stakes are. Then you must have hope T replies, otherwise you wouldn’t keep trying.

Hope. Is it true? Maybe it’s just longing. Yet, I could be hopeless and still longing. Last night I felt hopeless. All the plans I’ve made for the year, my commitment to health, even writing morning peeps. I was ready to drop it all. I felt the past was happening *again* and I thought, I cannot do this anymore.

I texted T and her reply startled me. Instead of providing assurances she would return, she wrote: Try looking at your “little girl self” picture. Talk to the picture and comfort her. She’s frightened and needs to know YOU’RE not going to leave her too! The past is happening again. It only FEELS that way. It isn’t happening again. The feelings are everything and all that matter now. They are what make me anxious and crazy-out-of-my-mind. They are what overwhelm me and make it impossible to function. And this is when YOU say goodbye. Literally x2. I am too much. Try to have the discussion/argument with yourself out loud. The part that longs for connection and the part that fears it. It’s a lesson in trust. Trust that I’m not those other therapists who left you and you’re not going to be overwhelmed by your feelings.  It’s too soon. You can begin to practice. Remember “What About Bob” – Baby steps.

I felt T encouraging me to take care of myself. She wasn’t rejecting me. She wasn’t ignoring me. (Both of which I expected.) She was suggesting I show compassion to that part of me who is so scared. And she gave me a tools to try. Tomorrow, when I am alone, I will have those out-loud conversations. I will talk to the fearful child within me. Hmm… I wonder what I will say.
I never expected anyone to take care of me, but in my wildest dreams and juvenile yearnings, I wanted the house with the picket fence from June Allyson movies. I knew that was yearning like one years to fly.  -Maya Angelou
I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.  –Audre Lorde
Take good care -

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