Attachment, Acceptance, Afraid

I am thinking of little else. On the cusp of my new therapist's 3-week vacation, my mind is heavy with thoughts of Attachment. I said the word. The A word.

During session on Thursday, we talked of how I feel about T leaving for so long, so early in our relationship. I hesitate, thinking immediately of attachment, longing, need – and the abhorrence I fear these words induce. Yet, I melt in the gentle acceptance that fills the room. I speak truthfully, telling T that as we connect more and more each session, I am starting to feel attached to her. Immediately I am in tears, re-experiencing past attachments that left me despairing and suicidal. I am so afraid.

I have carefully constructed my own itinerary for the next three weeks. A new exercise plan. IOP aftercare therapy group. DBSA support group. A “Spiritual Ecology” (book) discussion group. And a couple of personal goals.  I have spent weeks such as these, weeks (or even days) of waiting, deep in gloom and abandonment, doing nothing. Walking the slopes inside my own head, wandering without a compass and, inevitably, finding the quicksand.

If I have learned nothing else in 30 years of therapy, in 57 years of living, I have learned that change only happens when I do something differently. I know that as fact, absolute. Certainly, knowing it and practicing it are separate things, but one must precede the other. I will do my best to live through T’s vacation (in Hawaii I might add – now that’s just wrong!) without self-sabotage, without wallowing in the morass that is available to me 24/7.

In these weeks of detachment, I will think of Attachment, and ponder how it can be done differently.

At the heart of personality is the need to feel a sense of being lovable without having to qualify for that acceptance.  -Paul Tournier

Be faithful to that which exists within yourself.  -Andre Gide

in Truth -