2014 was supposed to be a fresh start. A year to get back on track after the toxic, life-sucking 2013. But this has been a month of sorrow. A month of binge eating. A month of ice cream. I eat ice cream when I’m depressed. I’ve eaten a lot of ice cream. My Zumba class, good food choices, daily blogging and good therapy were all things, with consistency, that I counted on to keep my life structured, focused. They were going to turn things around for me. Not that they still can’t. But each of these have been disrupted, and I feel off-balance.
What makes balance? Last year, I felt that the only way I could remain standing was to eliminate every elective activity from my life: Zumba, good food choices, connecting with online support, volunteer work, discussion group, friends. My extra-curriculars included toxic therapy, intensive outpatient treatment, interviewing potential therapists and trying to act normal. Was that balance? It was all I could do.
This year I know my balance needs to be more active, yet also more contemplative – making careful, considered decisions. I can’t afford the haphazard. As I write this, I’m acutely aware that holding onto a bottle of hydrocodone is not a good decision. I’ve had it for a couple of weeks and up until now, I haven’t been able to dispose of it. I’ll take it to therapy because I need to talk about it with my therapist. Plus, I think she’ll have a way of helping me decide that I don’t need them. Note that I’m not saying that I shouldn’t have them. Acting on “shouldn’t” isn’t deciding to let go of them. I need to make that something I choose.
So, what is my point here? I’m not sure. I think maybe I’m just mumbling to myself.
No person, no place, and no thing has any power over us, for 'we' are the only thinkers in our mind. When we create peace and harmony and balance in our minds, we will find it in our lives. - Louise L. Hay
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